What if?

s0hMood > *thinking* (ignore the chinese letter hor..)

Finish watching Silence. My second time – never thought I would rewatched this series. Too bored. For those who don’t know, Silence is a drama featuring a guy with terminal stage cancer and has only 3 more months to live. While it is not anywhere near as sad as One Litre of Tears – it never fails to sadden me, knowing all too well that this portrayal can very well be related to someone in reality. And it’s even sadder to note the ‘anticipation’ of death’s arrival and how their days are numbered without truly knowing when they’re leaving. My only console is that at least they know they are leaving.

Someone once asked me, would I rather die suddenly or would I rather find out that I am dying? My answer was clear – to know when I’ll die. Even though that means I’ll be freaking out, counting frantically for the remaining days I have. Even though that means I’ll be in tears knowing that death is upon me. Because I want to be prepared. I want people around me to be prepared. I don’t want to leave without saying goodbye. Without telling my family how much I love them and I’ll trade in whatever I have just to be with them again in next life (if there is next life). And certainly not without having ‘completed’ my life and purpose on earth.

The character in the drama asked, “If tomorrow is Judgement Day, what will you want to do most?” I thought to myself and came into the conclusion that I’ll probably just continue living like normal because all of us will die together anyway so it doesn’t really matter. But what if tomorrow is the last day of your life? The one thing I want to do the most is to be with my family. I guess it’s kind of true that they say Cancerians are homies. Will I want to tick off the ’10 things you must do before you die’ list? Of course yes. But it doesn’t matter. Right upto this point of my life, while I haven’t been given all I wanted, I really have had what I needed. I am extra grateful for what I have achieved in life so far and if this is the end, then so be it – it’s entirely up to my destiny. I have been leading a very happy and fulfilling life – there’s small bumps here and there but definitely no regrets.

I’m the kind of person who will never commit suicide (unless under very very unusual circumstances) because what else can be worst than not being able to open your eyes and breath life tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow can be painful but if only you know how many people in the world would be willing to trade that one chance with you. If only.

Anyway, this post is directed towards nobody but myself, so don’t panic. And wtf, please don’t think that something has happened to me ok *touch WOOD* – I’m very well thank you. Was just thinking a lot. If you still haven’t get the vibe, I love me life very very much and I sincerely hope you do too ^^,

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